Steve Haywood Health & Fitness

Not me!

About a month ago I decided to enter this years Great North run and raise money for Candlelighters. This meant altering my mind set from leisurely jogging to a more constructive training programme, one that would get me round the half marathon in a reasonable time. I knew I would have to step up my mileage and this corresponded with a rise in the daily temperatures. For me, this equates to sweat, sometimes lots of it.

Soon a slightly annoying problem arose, I started to get an eczema type rash on my chest. I tried to treat the problem with the appropriate cream but then the next problem was, I couldn’t find my skin. What I am really trying to explain is that I have so much hair on my chest it’s managed by the Forestry Commission, my chest skin is at the bottom of the jungle and hasn’t seen broad daylight for a few decades. It is one of the strange and cruel twists of nature for us males that as the years progress hair starts growing in profusion everywhere except your head which gradually loses it.

To solve this problem I came up with a cunning plan, I would get rid of the hair on my chest. It quickly dawned on me that to have a bare chest and have the rest of my upper body like a were wolf would look odd, a bit like one of those clearings in the Amazon. I needed help, so I consulted my wife about an upper body hairectomy. A little later my wife bought the creams to do the job and we arrived at the fateful day. After reading the instructions we decided to start with my back and shoulders which had hair epaulettes. The idea was to do a skin test and if everything was ok then to proceed the following day, oh how I wish I had. However, I am a bloke and I was up and ready for it, bring it on. The timings were to leave for around 5 minutes but no longer than 10 minutes. My wife applied the substance to my back and shoulders and I quickly realised that I had scented caustic soda on me and if we left it 10 minutes we could be looking at bleached bones. I dived in the shower and yes, the hair had come off but afterwards I needed a full bottle of after sun to relieve the burn.

I knew I couldn’t use the caustic soda method on my chest which was sensitive already so it would have to be trim and shave. My wife left me to do this myself which was probably a good idea as I was having misgivings about what I had embarked on which can cause me to utter a few expletive deletives. Trying hard not to remove my nipples, I carried out the operation as best I could. It was like illegal logging as the ancient forest was felled, I discovered a hitherto unknown tribe of Indians had been living in there. Eventually I performed the last bit with my trusty Bic but try as I might the stubble remained, this was ok for using as a nail file but not very practical for putting clothes on and off.

At last I decided enough was enough and I had a look in the mirror at the damage. Shock, horror, it wasn’t me. Where was the bronzed Adonis? The six pack of abs? The iron hard sculptured pectorals? I was looking at a set of flaccid contours, a strange white barren landscape that couldn’t possibly be me (ha, ha folks not really). Suffice to say it was weird at first sight.

However, the eczema problem has cleared but I am going to have to find the balance with the hair as I must grow some back so I can recognize myself. The experience has taught me that there is a time in life for ones body being hairless and after that it is a good idea to live with what you have, removing ones hair at a certain age doesn’t mean you will appear like a young Spartan. Ok I did it for practical reasons and not vanity but I must admit I did wonder how I would look after the operation. So chaps, if after reading this you still go ahead, have the first time done professionally, don’t use the Acme caustic soda method.